8 Sneaky Signs Your Child is Being Bullied

NOTE, work with your child. Chances are, school administrators are burying their heads in the sand. If you are in a "borderline" school, teachers could be terrified of administrators and are not pro-active on dealing with bullies.

From Women's Day, by Dawn Papandrea; reprinted in Yahoo News "8 Sneaky Signs Your Child’s Being Bullied"

Your child would tell you if he's being bullied, right? Maybe not. "It's painful to say, 'I'm being targeted,'" says Cynthia Lowen, producer and writer of the documentary film, Bully, and co-author of the forthcoming book The Essential Guide to Bullying. While there's more bullying awareness than ever (who hasn't heard about the bullied bus matron?), children still fear their parents' response to the harassment can make the situation worse, says Lowen. Another reason kids may keep this info to themselves: "They may worry that admitting they're victims will disappoint their parents," says Jerry Weichman, PhD, a licensed psychologist specializing in teens and tweens at California's Hoag Neurosciences Institute in Newport Beach, CA, and author of How to Deal. That's why it's important to know how to spot the signs of bullying, which aren't as obvious as you'd think. Here are some surprising red flags to look for. Photo credit: Thinkstock

1. Sharing bullying euphemisms When you ask your child about his day, and he says there's "drama" at school or kids were "messing around," it could be code for "I'm being bullied," explains Cindy Miller, a New Jersey-based licensed school social worker, psychotherapist and Lowen's co-author on The Essential Guide to Bullying. If you hear that language often, ask for specifics, she suggests. For instance: "When you say 'messing around,' did anyone get physical with you? Did someone spread a rumor about you or call you a name? How did you feel when the 'drama' occurred?"

If your child still doesn't open up, tell him the difference between reporting and tattling. "Reporting is stating that someone's hurting you and you're trying to get help. Tattling is trying to get someone in trouble," says Miller. This way, he knows there's nothing wrong about giving facts.

2. Coming home hungry Before you assume your little luncher is simply sick of PB&J, consider what else might be going on in the cafeteria. Perhaps another student is taking his food. Or maybe your child is giving away items voluntarily to become better-liked-or avoiding eating because he fears being ridiculed about his weight or what he's eating, says Miller. Again, asking direct questions in a non-threatening way here is key, says Lowen. Try: "Who did you sit with at lunch today? Did you like your food? What did you and your friends talk about?"

3. Coming home from school late You may think he's hanging out with friends, but he may be taking a longer route home or skipping the bus to avoid bullies, says Miller. A change in after-school routine is how Tara Kennedy Kline of Shoemakersville, PA, realized something wasn't right.
"He started calling me from the bus and asking me if his older buddies could come to our house after school," she says. Normally, her son was only allowed to have friends over after homework was done, and not at all if his parents weren't home. "Blatantly disregarding our rule was a red flag for us," she says. Soon after, she learned about a bullying incident that happened on the bus. So trust your instincts and dig deeper if your child does something out of character.

4. Frequently losing or damaging his things Sure, kids can be careless and clumsy, but missing or torn/broken belongings can be signs of bullying. "Bookbags getting ripped. Someone takes something. Shoes thrown out of the window of the bus. These are all things bullied kids have told me happened to them," says Lowen. What's worse is that children are afraid to tell their parents about things like broken glasses in tough economic times, she says. Lowen also points out that some children give possessions away to win favor with the popular kids. "Parents should keep an account of what's missing and follow up on their child's excuse with other parents, teachers or school administrators," suggests Dr. Weichman. If there's a discrepancy between your child's excuse and the explanation an adult gives, your child may be covering for someone's bad behavior.

5. Becoming upset after getting a text or going online In the age of cyber-bullying, the end of a school day doesn't always offer taunted kids a reprieve. "If a parent suspects that cyber-bullying may be going on, she should first confront her child with her concerns, but also verify with monitoring software," advises Dr. Weichman. Beyond using parental spyware, it's important to keep computers in common areas at home, such as in the kitchen or family room, says Lowen. "If your child is in his bedroom for two hours and a situation is getting larger than life, he can feel like the entire world is turning on him," she warns. And it's hard to prevent your child from responding negatively if you can't see the situation unfolding.

6. Wearing long sleeves all the time or covering up when it doesn't seem warranted Don't shrug off your child's desire to keep covered as shyness or a fashion statement. There might be visible signs of physical bullying he's trying to conceal.
And here's why: "One reaction that parents often have is, 'you have to stand up for yourself' or 'hit him back,'" says Lowen. But a child may not be capable of or willing to follow that advice, so he hides bruises and cuts rather than face his parents' judgment. If you suspect your child is hiding injuries, don't react in a shocked or confrontational manner. Phrases such as "Tell me who did this to you right now!" should be avoided, says Dr. Weichman. Instead, put on your poker face and ask what's going on that might have contributed to the injuries.

7. Disappearing friends Most parents know who their children pal around with: who calls every night, who they join forces with for school projects, who's sleeping over. If the usual suspects are MIA, it might be more than the clique simply growing apart. "If your child's circle suddenly isn't around, ask, 'Where are your friends? What are they doing?'" suggests Lowen. When the Mishra family moved back to their old neighborhood in North Carolina, their teen daughter was excited to reconnect with her grammar-school friends.
Unfortunately, things didn't work out that way. "One former friend decided she didn't like my daughter anymore and told the host of an upcoming party that my
 child shouldn't be invited," says Mishra. "That was when I realized that this was not harmless 
jealousy but outright bullying." Mishra's daughter is now considering moving in with 
her grandparents in Michigan for her senior year.

8. Claiming that after-school activities were cancelled or practice ended early Cancellations happen, but if they're happening a lot, your child may be hiding that he's dropped out of an activity because of bullying. Changes in routine and a loss of interest in favorite hobbies are usually good indicators that something's amiss. "Kids send out distress signals when they're in trouble," says Miller. It's up to you to stay attuned, and get your child to open up. And when he clues you in, keep two things in mind. "You have to believe him, and it's probably worse than he's letting on," says Lowen.
Whether or not you spot these signs in your child, start an open dialogue about bullying so he knows you can be counted on, says Dr. Weichman. "Kids need to be reassured that sharing what's going on with their parents is both safe and non-judgmental."

Original article appeared on WomansDay.com.

NYC Must Pay for Private School for Bullied Child; Will DOE Finally Act vs. Bullying?

In public schools the New York City Department of Education (DOE) posts hypocritical, toothless posters against bullying.
These posters are hollow statements. What really matters is that principals and assistant principals stonewall against disciplining students. Reasons: (1) Principals do not want "bad statistics," the reputation of leading an "unsafe school;" (2) Principals are afraid of getting on the wrong side of the parents of the miscreants. Further aiding the last point is case law, such as the Supreme Court decision in Goss v. Lopez (419 U.S. 565) (1975), as I wrote in a February 7, 2011 blog post.

A very important film was released this spring, "Bully" (here is the film's official site), a documentary on bullying in American schools. It showed pervasive, systemic bullying, under the eye of administrators. The bullying in the movie happened in various parts across America, rural and urban. The common feature was that administrators failed to act promptly. The scandalous neglect depicted in the film, which is suspected to lead to suicides each year, should have spurred action. (Truth be told, hard statistics on links to the number of suicides are hard to come by, as noted here. Researchers have claimed that bullying victims are 2 to 9 times more likely to commit suicide than non-bully victims.) It has not happened. Now we have the spectre of millions extra spent for private school because administrators failed to act.
And, so the daily reality is that as a parent, you are taking a gamble sending your child to school, because of the unaddressed school harassment and violence problem. Affluent upper middle class schools are not immune from bullying kids, as administrators there too can be so slow to act against predator students. Such is the case at posh P.S. 6, with a free lunch population of just 9.7 percent, at 45 East 81st Street, on the Upper East Side, between Madison Avenue and Park Avenue, just a block from Central Park and the Metropolitan Museum. Yes, Virginia, there is a public school at Million Mile, between Park and Fifth Avenues.
Susan Edelman in the New York Post reported yesterday (July 15, 2012), "Taxpayers must pay for private school -- because 12-year-old was bullied," a court found that school officials failed to act against school bullies. The bullying was so bad, that parents of the child in question felt compelled to take their child to a private school. The court decided that the city must pony up the $40,000 a year to pay for the child's education.
The Post reporter noted the opinion of an education expert that said that the court decision has potentially huge financial ramifications, as the case could set the precedent for hundreds of other parents that want to move their children from a public school to a private school for safety reasons.
In the article below, the principal tried to shift the blame to school aides, who she said did nothing during incidents cited in the case. But, as wrong as that inaction was, do not forget that this is in a bureaucratic culture in which if a staff member reports harassment or violence to a supervisor, action is not taken against perpetrators, but against teachers and staff for "poor classroom management."
Will the threat of the City having to pay millions for private school costs finally spur the city to scuttle its de facto policy against administrators' following through on squashing active, repeated bullying threats, attacks and other harassment?